I’ve been trying to be good, what with Pam being out of town and all. No, not that I was going to call up a bunch of bikers and college girls and rent an inflatable hot tub, but more along the lines of my work schedule. For the past month, I’ve been pulling regular all-nighters, working ’round the clock, and grabbing shuteye whenever possible, churning out two brand new screenplays and starting work on a third. So, with Pam visiting her parents? What better to do than just work every day ’til I passed out or Billy showed up?
But, as mentioned, I was trying to be good. Instead of plugging away until getting my second (or third) wind, I’d stop, play some guitar, or this past weekend, watch some movies. That was working out really well, in fact.
So tonight I’m thinking, I’ve been typing for five straight hours. I need a break. Should I eat dinner, or, hmnnn… I did just buy a box of microwave popcorn. Why not pound some insulin, make a bucket, and catch a movie? Sounded good, so that’s what I did. Almost.
I get back into the office, full bucket of hot popcorn, huge glass of Diet Coke-just like at the theatre, but without annoying teenagers using their cell phones and talking and deserving to be kicked in the face by yours truly. Perfect.
Well, despite an auspicious start, there’s been some serious problems with the ol’ Amazon Prime the past coupla days. Tried twice to watch the first Pacific Rim, only to find out while it promises it is audio described on the aptly-titled audio-described films page, guess what? It isn’t. So, put in a refund request on that one. Then, I tried Contagion. Also on the audio-described films page. And, just like Pacific Rim, not audio described. Which brings me to tonight. Me, hot popcorn, cold soda, my good headphones on, in a teen-free environment. WATCH NOW. Click.
Nope. The Devil Inside, which even in the description sounds like utter crap, was pretty much my last option. I wasn’t about to give Transparent a shot, because basically, I have zero interest in it. The Madea Halloween Special? Uh, no. City of Ghosts? Ooh, sounds like it has promise. Hmnnn… documentary about the killing of Syrian journalists. Not exactly what I felt like kicking back to. Scroll… page 2. Scroll… page 3. Scroll… page 4. End of the whopping list of 68 titles available included with our Prime membership.
Jeff Bezos? Kiss my ass. If I’d invited some of my blind friends over to enjoy a flick in the movie room, with the surround-sound and killer subwoofer action going, and it turned out what you promised wasn’t available? I would be twice as pissed. As it is now, I’m quite a bit pissed.
I get it, sometimes, there are glitches. But Pam pays something like a hundred bucks a year for Prime, You’re always touting the extra goodies you offer to ensure people keep ponying up the dough, and out of 9 movies I put on my Watch List? 4 worked. 4 haven’t, and one which I didn’t feel like trying after my popcorn had grown cold will have to wait until at least tomorrow, because my mood was wrecked by then.
Pam’s out of town for three more days. There’s a really good chance I’m gonna be on hour 75 straight working on the new screenplay if I get on a roll, because I really don’t feel like getting bent over again by preparing to relax, only to have the rug pulled out from under me. Netflix has a huge selection of audio described films and TV shows compared to Amazon Prime. Even the Amazon Prime movies available to rent is seriously limited.
Know where I’ll be taking my Watch Now clicks, Jeff? Yup. Directly to your competition. There’s over 7 million blind people in the U.S. alone. That’d be a pretty nice addition to your subscriber base, wouldn’t it? I won’t be recommending they try Amazon Prime in my columns or on my web site, though, because as a filmmaker, it’s twice as disturbing to know how many films there are available, already audio described, but which you can’t get. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull came out in 2008, and Pam and I went to see that in the theatre because at the time, it was one of the few films being released that had the audio description. Now? Now pretty much everything but indie films is audio described, and even some indies with a decent distribution deal are. Maybe someone in the marketing department at Hulu or Netflix can jump on this, because I would love to promote someone’s service, especially after such a negative experience with Amazon.